Weighty Matters is a series dedicated to open and honest conversations about insecurities, negative thoughts, and other things that hold us back.

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A couple weeks ago, there were several people on Instagram that were very openly sharing their struggles with binge eating. I watched those videos, shed some tears, and did some reflection of my own.

I vividly remember the first time I ever read anything about binge eating. It was more than five years ago, in a post by a plus-sized blogger that I still follow to this day. My first thought was to brush it off and scoff. I remember thinking it wasn’t a real thing, not an actual disorder. It was just overeating or a lack of self-control.

I was in complete and total denial. 

I didn’t want to accept that binge eating was an issue because I could see so many of those behaviors in myself. This is probably one of the reasons I failed at keto the first time–I wasn’t dealing with the real issues.

Being overweight is just a symptom. It’s not the true problem.

It’s really hard for me to admit that I have a problem, that my relationship with food is likely to be a lifelong struggle.

Eating in secret is probably the biggest binge issue for me. I travel a lot for work and it’s so easy to hole up in a hotel room and devour a pint of ice cream, an entire package of gluten free cookies, or an oversized bag of potato chips–sometimes all of those and more. Even alone, I felt embarrassed and ashamed even when I was doing this, yet I couldn’t stop the compulsion or the behavior.

Storing lots of snacks in my desk drawer at the office was also a problem. The office is another great place to secretly indulge. I’d go to the grocery store and load up, sneaking bags of food inside. There was one cashier that I would avoid because I felt like she was judging me and my choices. After all, how can you justify $30 worth of junk food at 10am on a Tuesday?

Sometimes I’d go to multiple stores, thinking I could spread my purchases out to be less noticeable. Clearance candy was my kryptonite.

I don’t know if any of those cashiers noticed my shopping habits or even cared, but it seemed like I could feel their disapproval. That was enough to bring on even more shame and embarrassment, which led to even more dysfunctional eating.

The destructive thinking is also a component that is hard to control. I’d stand at the register with a face red from embarrassment, palms damp from nervousness, sweating as the cashier rang through my chips and candy and ice cream. In my head, I was sure I knew what she was thinking. “Look at that fat girl with all that candy. What’s wrong with her? No wonder she’s so fat!” Why wouldn’t she have those thoughts when I was thinking the same things about myself?

It’s difficult for even me to understand why I would engage in those behaviors when I knew how miserable they would make me feel. It’s like no matter how far I fell, nothing could overcome my insatiable need to consume as much food as possible in as little time as possible. All of that sugar would make me feel so nauseous, yet I continued to binge and make myself sick.

I can’t let these bad behaviors get the best of me.

For nearly a month, I have struggled to write this post. Every time I would sit down to write, the emotions of my past experiences would start to overwhelm me. So, I decided to go back to basics. I sat down with a pen and a notepad and just wrote. No editing. No filters. Just getting my feelings out on paper. I took those pages and typed them out here.

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My First Keto/Low Carb Journey

As I have mentioned previously, I’ve done the low carb diet once before–in 2015. At the time, I was at my highest weight and I felt completely miserable. I had random aches and pains, no energy, and getting through each day felt like a struggle. This is also around the same time I discovered I was gluten intolerant, which was also contributing to my misery.

I’ve been on and off diets for most of my life, though nothing ever seemed to stick or result in a significant amount of weight loss. I’d lose 20 or 30 pounds, then promptly gain it all back.

I counted calories, restricted fat, and tried to get a handle on my eating habits. I joined Weight Watchers and a gym. One thing I had never, tried, however was anything that even closely resembled carb restriction. (I was convinced I couldn’t live without pasta, cake, and bread.)

When I finally started low carb eating, I jumped in full force. The foods I had relied upon were no longer available to me. Gluten free products, at least in my area, were not widely available and they were tremendously expensive.

Why not go low carb?

After the initial shock to my system–and resulting keto flu–a whole new world opened up. My eating plan was set and I was sticking to it. I was exercising, and even participating in 5k races on the weekend.

I lost 65 pounds and dropped from a size 24 to a size 18 in jeans. Things were finally going my way.

Then the bottom dropped out.